I was recently flooded with anger and righteousness, over $11.68 that I spent on items that were not put into my grocery bag. Trivial and embarrassing that a relatively small issue was taking over. Although I was focused on this particular unfairness, I also knew I was upset about so many other things going on in the world. So as I held back the rage, while I calmly navigated conversations for a refund, I could feel it piling up on top of the rage about bigger world events. I was left with dissatisfaction from no refund, a racing heart, and anger pulsing through my body.
When I pause long enough to take a breath, I remember that I know how to care for myself. My next planned task for the day was to write a post, but all I can think about is my big emotional reaction. Today’s post will be an overview of how I calm myself down when feeling the world is unfair.
First, I have a conversation between my parts of self – a wise inner loving parent and the emotional inner child. My wise part starts by offering kindness and witnessing the emotions being experienced. In my journal I write from the wise adult to the inner child using the word ‘you’ – which makes the statements more impactful to my brain. The wise part offers reflections such as: you’ve been working so hard to do the ‘right’ things, you are frustrated that you’re not getting the desired results, and you are upset about a bunch of difficult world events. Next, I reflect on some harder truths, very gently and kindly, such as: you’re also angry at yourself and not just the store, you are not remembering your values as you take actions, and you are not forgiving yourself. The wise part points out the shifting emotions and thoughts, in this case that sadness and emotional fatigue are arising now too. I follow those reflections up with some comfort or encouragement, and in this example it’s a reminder about an important lesson from a mentor. He taught me that it’s more satisfying to live life with a focus on the process of how I’m living instead of focusing on the outcomes. There is more satisfaction because we can control our actions but not the outcome. And since we cannot control the outcomes a more accurate measure of success is based on our intentions and efforts. My wise part reminds me that it is brave and commendable to continue on with living life and following our dreams, even if, and especially when we are not guaranteed an outcome. Finally, I wrap up the self-reflection parts work with a final topic: my wise part asks my child part what do you want to do next. The wise part is encouraging acceptance of the circumstances and offering a few options for moving forward. I know I have identified the option I want to choose when I feel a sense of peace, relief, or ease of muscle tension. And then most importantly I let myself choose that option and move on with my day.
Ideally you dedicate 15-60 minutes to reflecting on what is going on inside of you. Ultimately, if done thoroughly it will save you a lot of time and emotional energy during the rest of your day and release emotional distress about all of the events troubling you. You are worth that time and effort.
