Comparison

I’m watching a training video on ACT techniques and in the demonstration the actor/client said “other people didn’t look as sad as l felt”. I’m thinking yes of course, because as adults we all become really skilled at acting like we have it together. In reality, we don’t have it together. We are almost constantly trying to find balance in our lives. And we are almost constantly trying to process an event or thought, along with the related emotions that arise. Yet as adults we’ve learned how to “keep it together”, behaving in an acceptable way, but then we hide away the real truth of what is going on inside.

When we compare what we feel on the inside to what people are showing on the outside it is so very easy to feel shame and frustration about our inner experience. A personal example that made me acutely aware of this comes from the time in my life when I was an accountant. I had decided to try, one last time, to return to the accounting career. I was miserable and would literally spend my lunch break crying about the self-betrayal and life dissatisfaction. I was amazed when a co-worker shared with me that she admired how calm and professional I was and wished she didn’t feel so distressed all of the time. She had no idea I was suffering. As a manager in the organization I focused more on coaching her in how to take care of herself. If I could go back to that time I might have helped her understand that we all struggle with difficult emotions. And that what you see on people’s faces, in their behaviors, or on their social media pages is certainly not an accurate reflection of what is going on inside their hearts and minds.

So be gentle on yourself when big emotions arise inside you. And take comfort in knowing you are simply human.

References:
ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) cognitive defusion tools
Brene Brown’s work on shame reduction
Kristen Neff’s work on self-compassion (especially the common humanity aspect)
Anne Lamott’s book Almost Everything and her quote “never compare your insides to everyone else’s outsides”