This week revealed a need for a fifth question in my weekly self-therapy journal practice. It’s based on a personality trait I have – focusing on others. As a peacekeeper, focusing on others is a default mode setting I can fall into very easily. The related skills have served me well – as a family member, friend, spouse, and therapist. But to be honest, it has not served me well – especially in loving and caring for myself.
Prior to 2010, I pretty much lived in a state of focusing on others – what do they want or need and what do I need to be or do to make sure I don’t disappoint them. Since then, I have spent many years working on understanding what I might want or need. And also learning to be comfortable with prioritizing those things within my own actions and learning to negotiate with others. Ideally, I aim to live in a mindset where everyone’s needs matter. But often, I can fall back into an either or situation – focusing only on my needs or others’ needs. I’ve come to notice patterns of what plunges me back into hyperfocus on other people, one of which happened this weekend. A family reunion. I loved the time we spent together! And also…when it was over, I noticed I felt ungrounded, exhausted, and uncertain of what I needed.
So this week, I added one more question to my weekly self-therapy:
#5 – What matters to me this week?
This question started as an intention of doing ‘what matters to me’. I began using it sometime in the last 16 years and off and on have remembered to focus on it. My favorite thing to do is to have a day completely focused on what matters to me. It brought about one of my favorite solo tractions: scheduling a monthly ‘what matters to me’ date with myself. Initially it was focused on activities I enjoyed – wandering favorite neighborhoods, reading in coffee shops, painting. At times the focus moved more towards activities that were important to me, like prioritizing painting my office and digging up the persistent bluebells in my yard. Although these dates with myself were fun and at times productive, it keeps me in the either or situation of either focusing on my needs or others needs.
My hope with this journal question is that I’ll find more balance. I intend to use it as a reminder that my needs and wants matter. And also, use it to consider my values in life and how I’m spending my time. I feel hopeful that this additional question will help me practice more balance of considering myself within the context of the life I’m living.
My fifth question is based on a desire to not fall into old patterns/habits. So perhaps if you’re a peacekeeper like me this question might fit. But perhaps, there is a different question that might serve you better in getting unstuck from a default mode setting that limits you. What reminder or check-in question would help you live your best life?
Navigating Today 