Where did she go?
This post is an apology.
A weak excuse to justify why I haven’t written, updated or shared new thoughts and expressions.
2018 was meant to be a reclamation. Instead, I’ve made it more a story of a puppy chasing its own tail. Every small update has been prefaced with the same justification of life, being busy.
It’s almost become a knee-jerk reaction. In fact, my absence isn’t solely because I’ve been busy. To be busy does not justify negligence. After all, the tailor trailer (please support!) is still running. My Instagram is still updating. I’m still driving around.
So here it is. My apology – the real reason.
2017 was tough. It was a mentally and physically exhausting year. In the midst of travels and experiences I still thank God for, I faced new tests. Some I passed. I stood strong, I stayed upright. I flushed out toxin from my life and centred my thoughts to ensure I did not waver in those difficult times. But I failed some tests as well. I was knocked down, and found myself unable to rise again.
2018 brought with it the most jarring toss into a new year I’ve ever experienced. To pretend that everything is ok, mentally, physically and emotionally, when it isn’t – for hundreds of people, colleagues and friends; is exhausting. Truth is, that I willingly set myself up for a gruelling semester so I wouldn’t fall back on thoughts and feelings that would hurt me. To be so pre-occupied with my education was the only way I could see me getting through each and every challenging roadblock I encountered.
All I have been throughout 2018 is angry. Angry at myself, angry at society. Angry at circumstance. Angry at the issues and negativities that caused unthinkable consequences. All this anger has cut my creativity. Because in order to heal and write openly, I needed to curb my anger and forgive myself, forgive those individuals and forgive the elements of society that are beyond my control.
It’s a trying process. Forgiveness is not in my nature. To shed angry tears and blast moody music (think: My Dear Melancholy) while pumping out essay after essay for my law subjects is.
It’s really quite fucking difficult to come to terms with things, inject good vibes and walk away from scenarios. And to an extent, I’ve seen the benefits of doing so. To part with a flame that only burned me was liberating. To slowly embrace flaws (god I hate that word) and little imperfections makes me breathless. To do things because I want to – now that’s even more precious than the rest.
But to come back to my attempt at an apology, we all embark on journeys where we have little control. In learning to let go, forgive, and love a little more; I’m ready to unleash my creativity again. Because now, whether it’s playing the piano at 2am or writing a piece for the blog, it won’t be laced with the underlying anger I felt.
And for that, I’m truly grateful. Because I am ready to atart again.
I sincerely hope you do accept my apology,