on debates

If you find posts about American politics and Donald Trump offensive or against your views, don’t read this very small, low key rant.

I really do not give a crap about what you might have to say about Hillary Clinton. Love her, hate her, loathe her. I don’t care. One thing is pretty clear though. It takes one hell of a person to be able to calmly and politely take Donald Trump’s bullshit in front of 100 million viewers. I was streaming the debate at work yesterday, and I had to pause and mute it multiple times so I wouldn’t break my highlighters and throw my computer and phone out the window because of the things that were being said.

As an Australian, I’m urging all Americans to register to vote and please, if you hate both, choose the lesser of two evils.

Damn, Australian politicians look so nice right now. And I still can’t believe I’m saying that. I must be delirious.

xx Simran

on investment

“I will go down with this ship” – Dido, White Flag

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR HTGAWM SEASON 3

I’m going to be cremated when I die, but let the world know that I will have a tombstone over where my ashes were scattered, saying Rest in Peace, the young woman who was slayed by her fangirling.

RIP COLIVER 😦 thank you for simultaneously making and ruining my life. I can’t see through my tears and i haven’t been this emotional since Oliver was diagnosed in season 1. I can’t deal. I’m a wreck because now I only have two standing ships and 😭

THAT BEING SAID, the acting was so incredible. Conrad Ricamora is such an angel and so insanely talented and that scene made me cry so much. I felt like I was being broken up with alongside Connor. And Jack. Jack’s acting was flawless. The emotion on his face made me cry so much I can’t even.

Basically I’m a wreck and I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with the rest of the semester because of HTGAWM. Why.

BUT GUYS LETS BE REAL SHONDA AND PETE AND HTGAWM REALLY KNOW HOW TO TWIST THE FANS SO I HAVE HOPES FOR A REUNION

I need to go sort my face out before my mum judges me over my emotional choices.

xx Simran

On being ready

As a “newly turned adult”, I’m often faced with the question of whether or not I’m in a relationship. By family, family friends, friends, acquaintances, work colleagues. Even my general practitioner whom I only visit when I’m sick and dying and in need of antibiotics or a blood test referral.

Let’s clear some things up.

I’m 18 years old. I have never been in a relationship. I have never been kissed. I have never been with someone with no strings attached. I have never hooked up or fooled around with someone. And, I am a virgin.

And yes, I know that list sounds really tame and boring. For an 18-year-old to not have experienced at least one of the above mentioned things seems so strange in today’s day and age. Sure there have been asks to formals, dances and events by guys and a couple of Valentine’s Day roses given over the years, but there’s never been anything serious with a guy that would constitute a relationship.

Taking all of this into consideration has shown me one thing.

I’m perfectly content with not being in a relationship. I’m perfectly content with being single. I’m happy with my relationship status, or lack thereof.

And to answer the mystery of why I’m not in a relationship, I can tell you that I don’t know why I’m not.

In fact, why am I still single? Is there some sort of magical ritual I’m meant to partake in that’ll make me “relationship worthy”?

As much as my friends and I joke about our singleness and our desires to be with someone, and all those fantasies and goals we want to achieve with bae like travelling, waking up together, watching the sunrise together, creating memories and in-jokes and pet names etc etc etc, I can firmly say that I am perfectly happy with my single status.

And here’s why:

I am not ready. Not emotionally, not physically, not mentally.  

I am not ready to open myself up to someone. To show them all the sides of me. The good, the ambitious, the crazy, the free spirited, the motivated, the anxious, the self conscious, the grumpy, the moody, and the sad and insecure.

We all have those life plans we construct when we’re young. You know, the ones that project our futures and the things we want.

This is how mine goes: I want to be married at 24/25 and adopt two kids at 27 (pregnancy is not for me, and there are so many children who deserve to shine and be loved and have families). I want to be married to a man I’m hopelessly in love with. Someone I’ve dated for a while (5 years probably) and that would include having lived with him because marriage cannot be done without knowing how someone works within the house.

And looking at that plan, it’s still something I want, and I know its attainable.

But I also know that jumping into a relationship isn’t a simple process. It isn’t all fairies and rainbows and glitter and love, because you find yourself suddenly sharing your space with someone. Sharing your secrets, showing your flaws and revealing who you truly are to someone.

That terrifies me.

The last time I opened myself up to someone, it was so wonderful and then it dissolved. We don’t talk anymore. I’ve messaged him maybe 8 times this year and every time, the conversation has left me in angry tears.

Maybe it’s the hurt and despair talking, but that experience has shown me that I’m not ready to get into a relationship. I’m not mature enough because I’m still trying to figure myself out. I’m still trying to understand what I need and require from myself and later, from someone who isn’t my family yet, or my closest friends.

Living in a first world society and being encapsulated by social media has shown me a lot. Possibly the most important thing I’ve learnt is that our society is constructing these ideals and values about being in a relationship that are so shallow. Platforms like snapchat and Instagram transmit images to millions of people worldwide who see a very poised and perfect version of reality.

I follow quite a few celebrities and have often caught myself thinking, “damn x and y have such a great life. Their relationship is goals”. But I’m fooling myself. The society we live in has constructed this expectation that relationships are going to be a series of picture perfect moments. My relationship is going to be full of beautiful moments and love and happiness and it’s going to be perfect. I’m not saying that I won’t be happy and have beautiful moments in a future relationship, but human interaction isn’t always nice and sweet. Compromise and arguments are sometimes the only way things work. Even the most in love couples fight and argue and have “ugly” moments.

We’re surrounded by these goals to achieve and these expectations that we should fulfil. And that’s what distorts our judgement of whether or not we’re ready for a relationship. Society has constructed this belief that if you aren’t in a relationship, then there’s something wrong with you. And, for a period of time, I did question my self worth because I was single and emotional and probably on my period. I felt like I wasn’t good enough because I wasn’t in a relationship with the guy I wanted to be with. But then I realised that queens don’t settle for anything less than the best. And just like that, I snapped out of my pity-party.

Looking at myself, I know I’m not ready because I’m so self-motivated and independent that sometimes having someone next to me might feel overbearing or slow me down. I’m driven by my goals, ambitions and work. And when I’m focused, nothing can get in the way of stopping me from achieving what I want to.

I can’t take compliments and I’ve been told that I’m emotionally unreachable. I strongly dislike large displays of affection and gift exchange. To me, buying me something on Valentine’s Day or an anniversary is simply not as special as being spontaneous and surprising me. I prefer the intangible and the experiences I can create with someone over receiving a necklace or flowers on an assigned day of love. Cheesy text messages make me shudder. Yes, certain aspects of being in love and loving someone are requisite to being cheesy, but honestly speaking, if you love me and want to be with me, tell me outright rather than doing it in some over-the-top dramatic fashion. Guys who are straight forward and talk smart are insanely attractive to me. I don’t enjoy excessive displays of affection. It just isn’t an appeal.

I need space. If I’m upset or angry, I need time to come to terms with it myself. I need to cry by myself and recollect my thoughts alone before I’m ready to talk to someone. And if I don’t have access to this in a relationship, I will go mad. If I’m not ready to talk about something, then pressuring me will just make me angry and it’ll result in an unnecessary fight. Which I don’t want. Because I cry when I’m angry and it makes me less formidable.

The first thing I need to ask myself when opening up to anyone, be it family, friends or a potential boyfriend, is if I’m ready to tear down my armour. I’ve built walls to guard me from getting hurt after years of bullying, the loss of a friendship that hurt me a lot, and continues to do so, and certain life circumstances that forced me to mature faster than people my age. Frankly, I’m not ready to make myself vulnerable. I don’t think it’s something I can do right now. It takes a lot of time and patience to be able to know that someone you love and are ready to commit to will love you for who you are, flaws and vulnerabilities included.

And on a less intense note, I’m simply not ready because I don’t have the time for a relationship right now. In between studying a double degree, working as an accounts clerk, increasing my extracurricular activities, writing, travelling, taking photos and working on making myself a more well-rounded and employable individual, I don’t have the time for even a little TLC. My TLC includes the satisfaction of a great workout because my muscles are protesting and I’m pleasantly sore all over. My TLC includes binging tv shows at 1am or cooking. It isn’t great.

If I don’t have time for myself, how am I going to have time for someone else?

To answer society’s prevailing question, I am single. And I’m proud and happy with my relationship status. I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve never been kissed. And I’m not ready for a relationship right now. I’m at a stage in my young life where I thrive on my motivation and independence and want to develop my own unique personality and outlook.

Yes I want a relationship and goddamn I’m excited for one. I’m excited for the day I get married. I want a relationship built on a foundation of growth, trust, honestly, laughter and love. I want those moments where I’ll be surprised with brunch during a working day. I want to travel the world with the man I love and take photos and create unforgettable memories. I want a relationship built on cooperation where we mutually become better people for ourselves and each other.

But falling in love and getting into a relationship doesn’t happen if you search and force it. Moments like these strike us at the most surprising of moments, and that’s what makes it so terrifying yet exhilarating.

After all, we are falling.

xx Simran

Dearest dad,

Dearest dad,

This could be a long, cheesy post declaring my thanks and gratefulness for the world’s best dad on father’s day. But it won’t be. I’ve just chosen Father’s Day to write out how insanely lucky and forever in debt I am for having a father who is so unique, loving and wonderful.

I don’t think words describe or could ever convey how much I appreciate, respect and value you. (This post is becoming really cheesy already oops).

From the moment you held me as a newborn, I knew the bond we created would be unbreakable. And not only because you’re my dad.

Because you are my friend. My mentor. My guardian angel. My protector. The one I turn to when I desire something and the one I turn to when I need advice. The one who knows when he needs to let go of my hands and start watching my back.

Whether it’s your humour and your liveliness within my life, or even just the quiet silly moments we share in the car as we both quietly sing along to Fifth Harmony’s “Work From Home”, I don’t know what life would be without you. Your dedication to ensuring I have the best of everything, be it my education, tuition, music, sport, physio, health and travel; blows my mind. Stories of dedication and hard work pale in comparison to what you’ve done and sacrificed so I could have a great life.

Your work ethic and drive to succeed in what you do is inspirational. Watching you tackle the status quo, the racism and the bigotry, and the incessant stupidity about race and being “second preference” in any financial position AND to prove your competitors wrong and rise to the top in a dignified and humble manner speaks volumes about the type of leader, manager and colleague I aspire to me. I’ve had the pleasure to speak to so many of your staff members, your colleagues, fellow C-role managers and partners of companies that you’re affiliated with. And it brings me so much joy when their faces light up in respect and recognition when I introduce myself, as “Simran Goyal, Sanjeev Goyal’s daughter”. You command respect and authority, yet your staff loves you and treasures the time you spend with them to ensure everything is perfect, be it work or their personal and home lives.

I couldn’t ask for a better role model to help me step into the business world. Having you by my side, guiding me and teaching me how to deal with misogyny, racism and unmanageable staff in a dignified and calm way is something that will remain with me forever. Having your work ethic and passionate drive instilled in me is something I will forever cherish. And having your sense of humour and quiet diligence is something I wake up everyday thanking God for.

And on a lighter note, I can’t thank you enough for the experiences you’ve allowed me to have at such a young age. All the travelling I’ve been able to do is because you sacrificed and risked so much coming from India and moving to a completely different country with a different everything. I don’t even know how to begin to repay you, but I think I’ll think of something.

Thank you for instilling faith and trust in me. For lifting me up and telling me I could do something when I was nervous and unsure. For encouraging me to tackle challenges instead of backing down. For trusting me to drive your precious Audi while I’m still on my Learner license.

Thank you for encouraging me to live my best life and live life to the fullest. Thank you for teaching me to ride bikes, drive cars and be a badass economics student. Thank you for teaching me to live life with every passing day and to live in the moment. Thank you for dealing with my love for coffee and putting up with my education of the top 40 music charts. Thank you for dealing with my obsession for technology and allowing me to indulge in all things Apple. Thank you for making me a die hard All Blacks fan.

Thank you for understanding that sometimes words won’t do a situation justice, and that peace and quiet and a little cry are necessary. Thank you for being the overprotective dad when there are boys involved in my life, yet letting me experience the ups and downs of relationships. Thank you for making me stronger with each passing day.

Thank you for never saying no to my whims, my passions and my desires. Thank you for allowing me to decorate your hair with pins and glitter and hair ties when I went through my hair dresser phase, and allowing me to take childish photos of you pulling your gangster face.

Thank you for being you. And for allowing me to be me.

I don’t have an overused cliche for the amount of love and respect I hold for you. And while I promised this post wouldn’t become cheesy and generic, I think I’ve failed a little.

I wouldn’t have our father daughter relationship any other way.

Love you.

xx Simran