Things I am good at:
– investing too much time in fictional characters and make believe realities
– pushing people away and generally having no trust with people I’m not 100% close to/have all my faith in
– having anxiety in the worst places possible around people who don’t understand that panic and thoughts that induce panic are not something that you can just throw out the window
– being self conscious AF
– needing space and time to myself
– being snarky when people push me around
– being fiercely loyal towards the people I love and those who love me
This is such a 360 from my last post.
I feel like coming to Delhi turns me into this sarcastic, irritable bitchy teenager that I’m really not. Ok jokes I am sarcastic at times but I hate this consistent irritable, bitchiness that seems to always bubbles up when I arrive in Delhi.
Maybe it’s the pollution and the general chaos. Maybe it’s the lifestyle. I don’t know.
In Sydney, I live a pretty independent life. I do what I want, when I want. I make my own decisions (nothing too major yet like banking and life choices etc). I know what I want, when I want. I can drive, cook and take care of myself (until I get the flu. I really don’t care that in 3 months, I’ll be a legal adult. Every time I’m sick, I will turn into this toddler who requires her mum and dad). My parents also give me the liberty of learning to do things on my own.
I’m also not stupid. If it is cold, I dress appropriately. I eat as much as I need. Never more because that screws me up. Years of dealing with food intolerance and a sensitive digestive tract make me so careful with my food.
So what really bites me here in India, is that no one has any chill. I need my space and I will do as I require. If I’m warm and it’s 25 degrees outside (Delhi calls this winter. I call this summer), I am not going to boil in a coat. I understand that certain people are old and they do feel cold. But I am at my wits end. I can’t say no and be left alone. If I say no to wearing a coat in Delhi, shit breaks loose. It’s frustrating when I get treated like a baby. I’m not stupid. If I’m cold, I’ll wear something. But it is so warm here in Delhi and I’m about to lose it if one more person tells me just how cold it is, and that my tshirt and jeans are no where appropriate for this winter. Yeh sure. I’ll wear a coat when it’s 12 degrees.
I just wish people would respect that I know how to take care of myself. I am not a baby and I csn handle myself. And this sort of stuff really breaks me, because I get annoyed and aggravated really easily. And as much as I try to contain it around people, when I am consistently nagged about the same bloody issue, I may let my temper flare. I hate getting angry at people. But sometimes it happens and I feel like complete shit after.
I just can’t catch a break.
Another thing is that I need space. I get that we come all this way to be with our family, but by nature, I’ve always needed time to myself to just sit, write, listen to some Sam smith or Zayn or Sam Tsui or Justin Timberlake or Beyoncé so I can meditate in my own way; and just collect myself. I taught myself to find stress relief outlets throughout year 12 after the anxiety built up and I broke down at a train station before my exam, and then again when I worked myself up believing I wasn’t good enough because my performance had been sub par to my standards in an assessment. And those were only two instances throughout 2015.
I need space. I need time to think for myself and sometimes remind myself that I am not what the negativity portrays me to be. I have my days when I’m negative AF and those days, I need just my sister or my best friends, or maybe no one.
Coming to Delhi has been a struggle for that. I barely have time to catch my breath here. Hearing comments about the fact that I could do with some more weight loss weren’t easy to swallow. Delhi has made me so anxious and unsure of myself. I feel like people are always watching me. I can’t catch a break and I just need a day where no family bothers me. No one tells me to stop listening to music. No one tells me off that music isn’t meditation and that I should be sitting in the temple (another issue on that note). I need peace and I haven’t found it and now, I crave Sydney even more than ever. I also can’t tell people off when they say shit to me can I? Apparently I’m just meant to deal with it. I also can’t share my feelings when there are so many people here. I just need the serenity of my house in Sydney. Where I can talk to my parents freely and not have to worry about anyone else. And their dumb comments.
Self improvement is my own battle. I don’t need to hear shit from anyone. And the fact that no one will respect that really makes me mad.
But let’s jump to the last issue. I’m a Hindu. I pray. I try to immerse myself in my religion. I’m a good person and love the fact that my heritage has allowed me to be part of such a wonderful religious community.
But I’m not a devout Hindu. I know the rituals and prayers. But I don’t pray twice a day, everyday. For me, God and the temple in our house is a place of comfort and serenity when I feel like I can’t find peace within myself. I have my own way of displaying my belief in Hinduism. So when people tell me I’m not praying correctly, or that I don’t have enough faith or that I’m not a good Hindu, I feel like breaking something. Religion isn’t meant to be ritualised so you forget why you’re a Hindu or a Christian or a Buddhist and get caught up in all the useless crap like how many times you have to rotate the diya or how many times you should repeat the Hanuman Chalisa.
Don’t make me resent my faith. I value myself as a Hindu because religion is something I look to when I feel aimless or lost or scared and I can’t tell anyone. I pray because I want to, not because I have to. Don’t make me hate what I’ve taught myself. I may not be religiously versed, but I believe in God to the extent that I want and I’m happy.
There is no procedure for religion so stop telling me what the bloody hell to do. I believe because I want to. Religion isn’t the be all and end all. It isn’t the only thing that produces miracles do stop trying to force your views on me.
I really can’t catch a break it seems.
I want Sydney now. I miss you so much.
Let’s hope no more rants happen before I reach home on Saturday.