While I think new year’s resolutions, the whole “new year, new me” thing is a complete load of bull crap, I always write myself one resolution that I aim to stick to. And these resolutions aren’t the “get fit” resolutions. I aim to try and change myself to make myself a better person. For myself.

In 2015, amidst HSC, my resolution was to rid myself of the anxiety surrounding who I was as a student. That failed majorly. Instead, in 2015, I cried over 90% marks, I asked to go to the bathroom in my english classes to ensure I didn’t freak out in class because I was so unsure of myself. I had days where it was physically impossible for me to get to school and be the person I usually am. I would use my period cramps was reason to stay home (truth be told though, my cramps are the worst things I’ve ever experienced. I’m usually unable to walk like a human or function with stability without the aid of numerous cups of tea, hot water bottles and pain relievers) so I wouldn’t have to face my teachers and see that “disappointment” and “judgement” I thought they were aiming at me. And this was only in 2 of my classes. I dreaded going to my english classes because I grew so anxious about a subject I loved with a passion. I went through times where I doubted my work so much, even if it was just a practice essay, that I would stay up until 3 am writing draft after draft, only to panic when my teacher said it wasn’t good enough.

Clearly, 2015 showed me that I need to man up as a student because if that was year 12, then uni isn’t going to be any easier.

But I guess some good things did come out of 2015. I think I used my feelings of anxiety to become a more open person to my family and closest friends. I became so much closer to my older sister, and by having times where I’d sit with my mum and dad, and tell them that I wasn’t feeling 100% about something, I became a lot more emotionally stronger. I learnt to reconcile with myself and hate myself less at the “failure” of not being able to get that 20/20 in an essay. It was a slow process, but it’s happening.

I also proved that I only need my own validation in my education. I did well in the HSC. I’m proud of the mark. I’m proud of my ATAR. It isn’t a perfect 99.95. But it is reflective of the dedication and perseverance I had in me to make sure everything I did was to the best of my ability, even with my chronic perfectionism. I proved to myself that I can face my personal battles and I do know what success is. I proved to myself that I really do not need to give a piece of shit about what anyone thinks because as long as I fulfil my goals and aspirations, I’m doing exactly what I need to be doing.

Looking back on the HSC, I think I have finally learnt to let my anxiety go about who I am in an academic environment. It could have happened at the beginning of the year. I would have had a happier HSC experience. But I made it.

I don’t think people realise that I doubt myself to such an extent, that my chronic perfectionism outweighs the fact that I am capable of reaching higher things; because I put up a face that only comes off to my closest friends and family. I don’t think the girls in my grade would have pinned me for someone who is so unsure of themselves. And I do feel pathetic about it. I was always taught, always shown, always guided by the motto that you are the only person who can control where your life goes. I didn’t take that to seriously enough in the HSC. Maybe if I had, I could have attained a higher ATAR. No I’m just joking. I am satisfied with that mark and I’m on my way to doing the course I’ve had my heart set on since I was 12. If I had heeded the advice of the motto, I would have had a happier 2015. Less doubt. Less anxiety.

So this brings me to 2016. Looking back on the personal side of things, I’ve realised that self criticism is both a skill and the biggest flaw you can possess. In 2016, as cheesy and fake as this sounds, I want to accept myself for who I am. And I’m referring to the way I perceive who I am. I know that I’m a strong, intelligent and assertive young woman who is fully capable of breaking down personal, physical, academic and emotional barriers to become the best person I can be. I want to start really believing in that. There’s a difference between knowing and believing. I want 2016 to be the year where I believe in the traits I know I possess.

So with less than 8 hours until Sydney rings in the New Year, I’m going to start dinner prep for the family party that’ll be getting underway soon.

I hope all of you have a wonderful and safe New Years. Party hard, stay classy and stay safe.

2015 was great, and I’m bloody keen for 2016.

signing off one last time in 2015,

xx Simran

 

Posted by:__simran_

Big dreams often come in small frames.

3 replies on “2016

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