Another year has passed (nearly). 2015 flew by for me in a flurry of exams, stress, panic, and potentially the greatest moments in my 17 years. Definitely some of the most memorable, for better or for worse.
I’ve learnt a lot about myself in 2015. Whether it be from an academic perspective, a social perspective or a personal perspective. I like to think that I’ve matured and developed into who I truly see myself as. Flaws and scratches included.
So what have I learnt about myself?
I’m proud of myself on an academic front. Getting my HSC results and ATAR over the past two days have been a bit emotional. I’m exceptionally happy. I did well. I’ve been given a guaranteed entrance offer at the university I want to attend next year. It’s all going well I guess. I think I surprised myself with how much drive I actually had, to prove to myself and my anxious brain, to prove to those assholes who didn’t believe in me, that yes, I can succeed. I can do well. I can conquer the personal struggle I’ve been faced with and come out on top. I may not have gotten a 99.95, but I never aimed to pressure myself. I got a mark that I know reflects the hard work and perseverance I showed myself. And anyway, it’s just a mark. I got into my course by a mile, and I’m over the bloody moon.
I’m excited for a new educational, academic and social start in 2016. I really am. I’m where I want to be. And I finally feel like my life is taking direction.
I’ve learnt that I am an extremely self conscious person with a perfectionist streak. I’m almost never happy with the way things turn out, and will overanalyse in my mind. I take words to heart, and usually that’s a bad thing. 2015 was hard from an academic perspective. Many nights were spent in tears because of marks lost, comments taken too seriously and one on one feedback coming off as more of a lesson in my failure, rather then in improvement. 2015 was also hard because I spent time thinking that I could be the one someone I thought was special, wanted. This is hard to type out because I feel so pathetic right now. Losing something you thought was great, but really didn’t mean anything to the other person is always tough. It’s especially tough for me because I take actions and responses to heart. I don’t think I’m over it, no matter how much of a brave front I put up. Yes. It hurts. A lot. And I hate myself for taking his words and actions to heart. I really do. Because I shouldn’t berate myself when it isn’t my loss.
So what do I want to change in 2016?
Yes the whole new year new me thing is coming, and it’s usually bullshit. But as I sit here typing, when I’m meant to be asleep, I’ve decided to make a pact with myself to change things about myself. First and foremost, I need to see myself for who I think I am. Not what others think. I need to lose the blanket of self consciousness. And it won’t be easy. I know that. But I need to start looking at myself for who I truly am. I need to stop getting overworked and anxious about what people might think about me. I need to try and accept that what I do is the best I can. The achievements I have are representations of who I am, and that success is none other than mine. I know I’ve told this to so many people, but I can only truly succeed when I start accepting myself for who I am. Flaws, set backs and imperfections all included. I think I’ve started doing that, by making a conscious attempt to open up to my parents, sister, and closest friends. Instead of holding my worries in, I’ve tried to open up to a person, or a piece of paper. And it does wonders.
I want to come clean with people who things have turned salty with. Yes, I’m referring to the same person. It’s hard and I do take things to heart. I will cry and bitch and attempt to console myself through this veil of “I don’t give a crap about you because I’m don’t need you in my life”, but I’m not that person. And the relationship we fostered as friends will hinder me from cutting ties. We probably won’t ever be the same, but 2016 means that I’ll have to grow a pair, tell you everything and walk away feeling great about myself. 2016 is the year that I will come clean to you about everything I withheld since, well since forever. It’s almost pathetic how long these emotions have plagued me. But I’m not going to ruin myself over something that means nothing to you. And yes, it isn’t my loss at the end of the day. It’s yours. Yes it will hurt, it’ll hurt forever probably, but that’s life. And I need to suck it up because I do not fall from minor setbacks.
But I hope 2016 will see me develop into a stronger, more confident young woman who has lost her self consciousness. There are large personal reasons for this self consciousness, but I shouldn’t ever let this hinder who I am, and who I want to become.
And this is proving harder then I thought…
Throughout 2015, I’ve learnt that I don’t need anyone else’s validation but my own. Yes, this contradicts what I’ve written above, but recently, after talking it out with my closest friends, getting feelings off my chest, and tears out of me, I’ve come to realise that no one’s validation but my own matters. I’m the most important person to myself.
So in 2016, I want to persevere to make this a solid fact about myself. That I’m a badass, confident, assertive, intelligent young woman with bite and sass.
Throughout 2015, I’ve learnt that regardless of how much I take to heart about what people say about me, I’ll never change my morals and values. This is something I’m exceptionally proud of because peer pressure is rampant in society, especially around the people my age. I stick to my guns, and I’m not afraid of people saying shit about me. Calling me tame. A prude. Lame. Yes that hurts. But I don’t intend on messing myself up for temporary “fun”.
In 2015, I’ve learnt that I have the most encouraging support system around me. I have the greatest parents, sibling, friends and mentors who will be there through thick and thin. Through laughter and tears. Through failure and success. And I couldn’t be more thankful.
In 2015, I’ve learnt that I really enjoy getting my voice about political, social and economic issues out there. The debating fire still burns bright inside me, and I love having the opportunity to get my voice and opinion out there. And this is going to continue through 2016. Whether its over blogging or in real life or even just in the things I read and engage with, I’m going to make sure I remain as well read in reality as possible.
This is still proving exceptionally challenging. I don’t know what else I’ve discovered about myself. There’s so much I feel like I need to change in order to become the best person I can..
On a more humourous note, in 2015, I learnt that my fangirling skills reign supreme in my life. This is especially relevant to the coliver fandom from How To Get Away With Murder as previous blog posts show; Jack Falahee and his adorable self in real life, Conrad Ricamora, the real life Disney Prince; Sam Tsui, the adorable smol jellybean who’s stolen my heart through his incredible voice; talented musicians, dancers and other actors; all my favourite ships that set sail either this year or in previous years. My nights have been spent in insane conversations where my friends and I carry facebook chats with gibberish because we “cannot deal” with everything going on in our favourite shows, with our favourite celebs. And I’ve learnt to make do with social media and intensive facebook conversations about cute, smart and adorably stupid celebrities because while Sydney is one of the best, if not the best city to live in, my favourite celebs rarely come down here. I don’t understand why. I mean, Sydney has the best people, the best beaches, the best coffee. What more could one want?
So in 2016, I hope that uni life and exams don’t interfere with my chance to at least meet my favourite youtubers at conventions because for 2 years, exams have ruined my plans of meeting superwoman. I am not ok with that. That has got to change honestly. When your education gets in the way of life, but you know the hustle is real.
Also, I hope I don’t stop having so much fun with my friends where we have viewing parties and chill sessions and proceed to freak tf out about our favourite characters. It’s so much fun when you know someone gets you in reference to your favourite romance or ship. You can go on for hours, talking about how perfect their relationship is. There are literally no drawbacks except for the fact that your entire life is ruined by 2 people in a relationship that isn’t ‘real’.
So getting back into reality.. what do I hope for in myself in 2016?
I hope to become a more open, self forgiving and self confident person. I hope to never stop persevering and fighting for my success. I hope to maintain my enthusiasm for having a voice in society. I hope to have the opportunity to try new things, join new societies, make as many new friends as possible, and go to new and exciting, foreign locations. I hope to become a stronger person and accept my flaws and imperfections. I hope to use the challenges I face in daily life as a reminder of how far I’ve come, so I know that yes, I do have what it takes to succeed. I hope to create even more spectacular memories in my 18th year. I hope that each passing day provides me with a reminder of how fortunate I am to be living the life I’ve been blessed with. I hope that in 2016, my actions, my thoughts, my impact in society will mean something, both to me and to the greater community. I hope that in 2016, I stay true to myself and truly transform into a badass, confident, assertive, intelligent young woman with a lot of sass and a little bit of bite. But most of all, in 2016, I hope that I use the challenges in my life as diving boards to find more opportunities and adventures that transform me into the person I want to be.
So here’s to another great year of learning, a year of challenge and a year of fun. 2015, you were such a rollercoaster, but I haven’t been thrown off yet.
2016, I am so ready for you.