ACTUALLY QUITE SICK AND FEELING LIKE SHIT BUT I’VE GOTTA KEEP UP WITH THE 30 DAY TREND.
When you look like crap, photo booth filters has got you covered.
So one thing I’m quite good at doing is working myself into this nervous panicked state over things. It’s a bad habit, and it’s been there since the beginning of year 12. I’m competitive, I strive for success, a chronic perfectionist and obviously give a shit about my education. To the point where getting marks back and being on the receiving end of 3 hours of psychologically traumatising Advanced English feedback (thanks English faculty. You really know how to be empathetic to your year 12 students), has transformed me into a wreck. I cried about getting a higher then average economics mark (which really highlights the lack of pragmatism I’m presenting right now). It’s a bad thing, having these negative thoughts make you feel sick to the bone. I’ve tried to stop it, but then my body was just like nope, not dealing with this shit. And gave me stomach cramps and nausea. Considering I’ve never been so worked up about school and marks until year 12 (I prided myself on never really being emotional over marks. I didn’t study and got a crap mark? My fault. I worked and did well? Good job Simi.),
I really need to put a lid on this, because it isn’t healthy. I don’t have major anxiety but working myself up because of expectations and comments and thinking I’m not good enough isn’t the way to go either. I haven’t gotten a lot of sleep over the past week and during a feedback session, I felt like I was going to be sick because it felt like everything the marker was telling our cohort, was directed at my inability to understand Yeats’ poetry as well as I’m expected to. Cheers.
I think this is why I’m so excited to graduate. People always tell me that high school is the best time of your life. I don’t deny that. It’s so exciting. I’ve been so lucky to experience so many unique experiences, and have created the best memories. And me whining about shitty teachers or feedback or stress isn’t even comparable to workplace situations because I know it gets worse from here. But seeing a deterioration in how I view myself isn’t something I wanted to take away from high school. Having to push myself to create this wall and guard and shell to protect my mentality from words isn’t what I wanted to gain from high school.
Frankly speaking, I didn’t expect myself to turn into a cynical and insecure young woman. Insecurities have always been there, and I’ve always shot them down. But I hate having to work so hard to make sure society doesn’t see me as a weak person. Weakness isn’t what I was brought up with. I was brought up to be a strong, independent young woman who takes shit through one ear and it goes out the other. When you’re reduced to a state where undermining yourself becomes the norm, when it becomes a surprise that you can do well, that’s when you know something isn’t right. I hate that people have the power to make me feel small and worthless. I really hate that. This is why I’m so keen to graduate. The day I don’t have to see the miserable humans who have the ability to make me cry and question my validity is near. And it pains me to say this, but yes I want to leave high school. And I want to leave all the shit that’s ever been dumped on me. All the bullying, negativity, hatred, tears. All of it.
Of course there are positives as well. There are some aspects of high school that I’ll cherish forever. High school conditioned my debating and public speaking voice into this powerful, emphatic voice that I like having. High school blessed me with a group of girls who are supportive, loving and possibly the most diverse and incredible people I could ever meet. High school blessed me with the opportunity to find myself in terms of what I like, academics and socially. High school has taught me so many skills pertinent to later life – communication, mediation, effective team work. I’ve had some of the best experiences through high school and that’s something I’ll never forget.
Am I torn about graduation? Maybe. Do I want to leave NSG though? For the most part, yes. I want to graduate. And I want to end this chapter of my life. I’m excited for what lies ahead. I really am.